“Trying to suppress a craving will ultimately strengthen it.”
Unknown
#99 Why Diets Don’t Work – #1 of 7
Have you ever decreased the amount of food you ate and increased your workout in an effort to drop weight? And maybe you got some results, but you couldn’t reach your goal weight? Or if you did, did you gain it all back?
Well, that’s because there’s more to shedding those extra pounds than calories in and calories out. There are mental and emotional components that block you from ridding yourself of unwanted pounds.
This series covers some of the reasons we hold onto excess fat.
Reason #1: We overeat certain foods we crave because we associate good feelings with the food.
Perhaps grandma always made those awesome chocolate chip cookies for us. We could feel her love for us whenever we ate those cookies.
Now, we associate those good feelings with the food. And when we want to feel like that again, we turn to that food. We can’t resist. If we turn down an offering of cookies, we are turning away grandma’s love. And we just can’t make ourselves do that.
Maybe we aren’t even aware of an emotional connection we have made, but when we get a hankering for a certain food, we will move heaven and earth to get it, like, NOW!
Fortunately, rather than try to suppress a craving, there is a tried-and-true way to end those cravings once and for all, so you don’t need to eat food to feel good.
“Food is fuel, not therapy.”
Unknown
#100 Why Diets Don’t Work – #2 of 7
Last week we talked about why we crave certain foods. This week is about the difference between cravings and emotional eating.
Reason #2: Maybe you are stressed out and just want to eat something. If sweets are in the house, or perhaps something salty or crunchy or creamy, you’ll go for that, but if not, you’ll eat a can of beans or a bag of carrots because that’s all there is.
This is called Emotional Eating. It’s when we hunger for food though we aren’t hungry, and any kind of food will do, whether it’s healthy for us or not. We overeat because we are bored, stressed, or avoiding feeling an unpleasant emotion.
While cravings are for a specific food related to trying to get back the good feelings and memories (seeking pleasure), emotional eating is not food-specific and is related to trying to not feel bad feelings (avoiding pain).
Fortunately, there is a tried-and-true way to end emotional eating for good. You can learn to push food away without feeling deprived.
“I really regret leaving that last bite on my plate…
…said nobody ever.”
Unknown
#101 Why Diets Don’t Work – #3 of 7
Continuing this series, let’s talk about another reason why diets don’t work.
Reason #3: We overeat because as kids:
· We were told we have to finish everything on our plate before we can have dessert or leave the table.
· We were trained to eat all of the food in front of us because there were children starving in Africa or China.
· We were mentally programmed to eat all the food in front of us because we don’t know when or where the next meal is coming from.
I say “programmed” because we were taught how to think and behave by our caregivers. We trusted them to know what’s best for us because we had no choice – we were so young and just trying to figure things out for ourselves.
“Cleaning our plate” led us to no longer listen to our body’s cues as to when we had enough to eat. We learned not to “waste food”. We learned not to “waste good money” that was spent on food.
Well, I’ll tell you this: When you eat more than you need to be healthy, whether it goes “in the trash” or “on your a$$” (notice the rhyme there), it is still wasting food.
If it is difficult for you to save it for later or just throw it away, there is a tried-and-true way to end the need to eat everything on your plate.
“We hold onto weight to protect us from what happened to us when we were thin.”
Anonymous
#102 Why Diets Don’t Work – #4 of 7
In previous weeks, we talked about why we have food cravings, why we emotionally eat, and why we override our body’s cues.
Reason #4: Another reason, probably beneath our awareness as to why we hold onto excess weight, has to do with what happened before we gained weight.
Here’s an example. When we were thin, we were dumped by a lover. After that, we ate to fill that emptiness we felt, and we gained weight. Of course, we got fat because of emotional eating, but subconsciously, we have linked being thin to being dumped.
And it felt pretty crappy to have been broken up with, and we unknowingly fear that if we are thin again, we will experience that pain again. It’s true that it may reoccur, so we sabotage ourselves and don’t let ourselves get back to that ideal weight. It would just hurt too much to go through that again.
It didn’t have to be because we were dumped. It could be due to a myriad of things. Think back to what was going on in your life before you gained weight. What are you avoiding happening again? What trauma occurred before you put on extra pounds?
Thankfully, we can re-program this “defense mechanism” of your mind and allow your body to return to its natural weight.
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something
and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.”
Cheryl Richardson
#103 Why Diets Don’t Work – #5 of 7
This week we talk about how our human nature can cause us to hold onto extra weight as a reaction toward our authority figures growing up.
Reason #5: Have you ever told yourself you will NOT eat the ice cream/chips/whatever. You do great for a couple days, or maybe only a couple hours…but then you give in. Why?
You are rebelling against an authority figure in your youth and their rules given to you. And this unknowingly carries over into rebelling against your own rules for yourself.
It is not a lack of will-power that causes you to break your good intentions, it is a conditioned response to rules. Yes, they were your rules, but they were still rules that you gave yourself. This leads to the all-too-familiar self-sabotage. We just can’t help ourselves!
Fortunately, this too can be dealt with.
If you suffer from this hidden block, it will be covered in my upcoming course.
“Hunger, love, pain, and fear are some of those inner forces which rule the individual’s instinct for self-preservation.”
Albert Einstein
#104 Why Diets Don’t Work – #6 of 7
Sometimes our weight issues go all the way back to before we can even talk.
Reason #6: When we were pre-verbal, usually before the age of two, we could not easily ask for what we needed. Our only means of telling those caring for us that we were hungry was to cry.
Maybe we were understood, maybe we weren’t, maybe our needs were ignored, or maybe there just wasn’t enough food in the house.
So, our subconscious mind, always striving to keep us alive, worries about when the next meal will come. It thinks:
· You better eat all you can now, because who knows when you will get another chance?
· You better hold onto fat (the body’s emergency energy source) because you may need it at any time.
Could this “safety feature” of your subconscious mind be affecting you? The good news is, there are ways to overcome this block to living at your ideal weight.
If this block applies to you, you may be interested in my next course where you will learn to 1) curb your cravings once and for all, 2) push that food away when you aren’t hungry, 3) end eating all the food in front of you that will just go to you’re a$$, 4) deal with the issue that preceded your weight gain, 5) stop self-sabotaging your weight reduction efforts, 6) overcome pre-verbal weight issues, and more!
If you think this course is for you, or you have any questions about it, just reply to this email and we’ll schedule a complimentary, no-obligation call.
“The body puts on layers of fat to protect itself.”
Unknown
#105 Why Diets Don’t Work – #7 of 7
We have covered six reasons why diets don’t work, and now we come to one that affects almost all women.
I’m talking about traumas associated with body boundaries. These can be big Traumas with a capital “T”, or little traumas, with a little “t”; but nevertheless, these can affect our ability to maintain a healthy weight.
Reason #7: Big “T” Traumas, like being raped, can make us feel unsafe to be thin and attractive. If we are fat and not as attractive, we feel safer.
Little “t” traumas, like experiencing unwanted sexual attention, comments, or ogling, can be just as effectual in hindering our ability to be slim.
Little traumas can be Aunt Jane repetitively commenting on how cute and chubby you are, or simply a little boy on the playground telling you that his glasses have super powers and he can see through your dress.
When your brother always called you fat, whether you were or not, that kind of thing can stick with you and make you think of yourself that way. Repeatedly being told something negative about your body can program your body to appear the way it is currently presenting.
Anything that makes you uncomfortable about your body is violating your body boundary. No one should be touching you, looking at you, or commenting on your body in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
To keep you alive and well, our subconscious mind forms a literal layer of protection to “keep you safe” – safe according to its way of thinking.
The mind is so powerful, it will block us from getting rid of excess fat because it thinks it is doing you a favor.
We can heal that and feel safe being thin and sexy. There is hope!
If you are affected by this huge block to dropping weight, this is the time to join in my unique program in healing the hidden blocks to reaching your ideal weight.
“Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
#106 Forgiveness Series – Part 1 of 7
This series will delve into what forgiveness is, what it is not, why it benefits us, and how to achieve it. Let’s get started with part one…
What Is Forgiveness?
When we forgive someone, we choose to let go of our negative feelings – such as anger, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, and resentment – whether the person apologizes, is held responsible, or deserves forgiveness for their transgression. Then we can stop being triggered by memories of the offensive behavior and stop reliving the painful experience again and again.
True forgiveness is not just saying words, it requires us to change our perspective. This may not be easy, especially when the wrong done to us is egregious. It is always easy to play the victim. What is difficult is to take back our power and not let someone else keep controlling our emotions.
I am writing this series to help you find a way to forgive everyone who has ever wronged you. Next week I will cover what forgiveness is not.
“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Lewis Boese
“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad.
Let God deal with the things they do, because hate in your heart will consume you too.”
Will Smith – Actor, Rapper
#107 Forgiveness Series – Part 2 of 7
Sometimes we don’t want to forgive because what happened is so horrible and we want to punish the other person. It’s important to remember what forgiveness is NOT so we can forgive and be at peace.
What Forgiveness Is NOT
Forgiveness is NOT saying it was okay to commit the offense against you. It means you will no longer let it define who you are. You will stop labelling yourself a victim because that does not serve you.
Forgiveness is NOT pretending the wrongdoing never happened. It means you dealt with your feelings and are moving on with your life.
Forgiveness is NOT letting others take advantage of you. It means you take back your power and decide to not let the same thing happen again.
Forgiveness is NOT letting the other person off the hook. It means you have chosen to release the negative feelings that will eat you up from the inside. It means letting what goes around, come around for that person.
Forgiveness is NOT absolving every little offense you perceive. It means realizing that sometimes we had no cause to be offended at all because we simply misinterpreted things. With this different perspective, we may see that there was no wrongdoing at all on the part of the other person. Thus we become more reasonable and accepting.
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. It means we do not need to keep reminding ourselves about the past once we have processed what happened and made a change.
Understanding what forgiveness is – and is not – helps us choose to forgive. Next week we will explore why we want to forgive others.
“If one by one we counted people out
For the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long
To get so we had no one left to live with.
For to be social is to be forgiving.”
Robert Frost – American Poet
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom,
I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
Nelson Mandela
#108 Forgiveness Series – Part 3 of 7
Consider why we want to forgive others with this question:
For Whom Do We Forgive?
This is easy to answer: Forgiveness is for ourselves! It is giving us inner peace. And I’m all for that!
When we hold onto anger, disappointment, resentment, etc., we are the ones who hurt. Holding onto a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.
People talk about “Body, Mind, and Spirit”. I like to think of it as “Spirit, Mind, and Body” because what is in our heart (spirit) and our heads (mind) determines our physical (body) well-being. We must have the right outlook first, followed by the right thoughts, to keep our physiology in peak working order.
When we lack forgiveness, our body suffers. Harboring ill-will can cause anxiety, stress, depression, insomnia, high blood pressure, physical pain, and emotional misery.
Our health depends on forgiveness. We do it for ourselves, and no one else. The fact that the other person feels better when we grant forgiveness is just a bonus.
Besides health reasons, there are other benefits of forgiveness that I will cover next week.
“Forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else.
It’s something you do for yourself.
It’s saying, ‘You’re not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.’
It’s saying, ‘You don’t get to trap me in the past.
I am worthy of a future.’”
Jodi Picoult – Novelist
“To err is human; to forgive, divine.”
Alexander Pope – British Poet
#109 Forgiveness Series – Part 4 of 7
Last week we took note of the harmful effects of not forgiving. This week we look at why we want to forgive.
What Are the Benefits of Forgiveness?
Forgiveness reduces harmful emotions and their accompanying hormones that damage our bodies, our relationships, and our enjoyment in life. Releasing these lets you return to peace and tranquility.
Forgiveness heals emotional wounds and brings closure to an experience. When we put the past behind us, we have permission to move forward and focus on the present – the only time in which we actually live.
Forgiveness of others allows us to learn to forgive ourselves for not living up to our expectations or for the role we played in the situation. After all, we know we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We are able to accept that we are all human and no one is perfect, including ourselves.
Forgiveness allows us to choose how we respond, rather than resort to being a victim of our knee-jerk reactions caused by our hurt feelings.
Forgiveness brings us better understanding into why others do what they do.
Forgiveness keeps our minds clear. If we are stuck in the past, we remain in a stressful state that affects all we do negatively. Releasing grudges allows us to make good decisions from then on.
Forgiveness increases our empathy, compassion, happiness, and overall satisfaction with our lives.
Obviously we profit from acts of forgiveness in many ways. I haven’t found any good that comes from withholding our generous acceptance of what happened so we can enjoy the benefits of forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is the needle that knows how to mend.”
Jewel – Singer
“Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love.”
Fred Rogers
#110 Forgiveness Series – Part 5 of 7
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
How Do We Prevent the Need to Forgive in the First Place?
When I think of forgiveness, I think of the book by Don Miguel Ruiz entitled The Four Agreements.
The first agreement is to “be impeccable with your words”. This means you say what you mean and mean what you say, though tact is always appropriate, and sometimes you should keep your mouth shut. Obviously this can avert many misunderstandings which might cause hard feelings.
The second agreement is to “not take anything personally”. When you realize that the other person is always doing their best, they are coming from their unique past experiences, and their reactions to you are all about them, not you, you can stop yourself from taking blame for their anger and therefore respond in a calm, rational way that does not exacerbate the situation and that keeps you safe. Consider how this can head off any need to forgive.
The third agreement is to “not assume anything”. How many times have you misspoken by not fully understanding what is going on? How many times have you made a mistake because you assumed something that was not true? Awareness that we rarely know all the facts in a situation can help us avoid miscalculations and the need to forgive.
The fourth agreement is to “do your best”. If we do our best at all times, then we do not have to be hard on ourselves. We can forgive our blunders and move on. If we assume others are doing their best (see second agreement), we can more easily let go of their misdeeds.
Forgiveness comes with awareness and understanding. This book is an easy, short read, or you can find free audios about it on YouTube. Whether you pursue Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, I hope you keep these four agreements in mind for the rest of your life. It will save you a lot of heartache.
Next week we get into practical steps to aid you in forgiving others.
“Forgiveness is designed to set you free. When you say, ‘I forgive you,’ what you’re really saying is ‘I know what you did is not okay, but I recognize that you are more than that. I don’t want to hold us captive to this thing anymore. I can heal myself, and I don’t need anything from you.’”
Sarah Montana – Writer, Screenwriter, Speaker
“Forgiveness is not weak. It takes courage to face and overcome powerful emotions.
”Desmond Tutu
#111 Forgiveness Series – Part 6 of 7
It is my understanding that when The Bible was translated from Greek, it used the English word “forgiveness”, but literally the Greek word meant “to let go”. Forgiveness is a letting go of any claim to repayment, such as a debt. It means we release the right to be compensated for our hurt or loss. So…
How Can We Release Anger?
Before we forgive, we need to let go of our negative emotions; we must first feel them fully and express them. E-motions are biological/chemical “energy in motion” so if we do not process emotions when we feel them, they get stuck and cause ill effects in our bodies. We can move the emotions out by first thinking about a situation; this easily triggers our negative emotions so we can then process them. This may be uncomfortable, but it will be the last time we have to feel them ever again. We know we have emotions to release whenever we are triggered and overreact.
There are a few ways to let go of stuck emotions.
One is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as Tapping. If you don’t know about this, check out my explanation in my KimSIGHTS Archive 2021, #15-21 at www.KimMessersmith.com. Tap on the acupressure points while you rant about what’s on your mind. Let your emotions come up as you keep tapping through the points until you have gotten it all off your chest and you feel better. If you would like further guidance, let me know.
Secondly, a simple way to let out anger and hurt is to scream. Yes, scream at the top of your lungs when no one else is home. Or you may want to park your car somewhere safe with the windows rolled up to do this. Or scream into a pillow. Say what you want to say – what happened, how you felt, and how it affected your life – until you feel exhausted. If you feel energized, you have more work to do; keep going. If you like, you can punch a pillow or a mattress as you scream. Get it all out.
The last method I’ll share here is to shake your body to release pent up emotions. You may have seen a zebra or wildebeest escape from a lion. When the danger has passed, the animal will shudder, moving its whole body to shake off the fear. It knows that it needs to process that energy, and it does so promptly, then it goes back to grazing. We can do the same. Wave your arms around and shake your whole body. You can lie on the floor and have a temper tantrum. It’s something natural that kids do to release their pent up anger when they do not get their way. Feel free to add some screaming when no one will hear you.
Releasing the emotions is the first step to forgiveness. Next week we will go over the steps to forgiveness.
“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.”John Green – Author
“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’”
Oprah Winfrey
#112 Forgiveness Series – Part 7 of 7
After we release the negative emotions brought on by the wrongdoing we experienced, it’s time for the final step: Forgiveness.
How Can I Forgive?
First, ACT quickly.
Accept that it happened. Don’t harbor ill feelings because it only hurts you. Give yourself permission to release the anger and move forward. Remember that forgiveness is something that you do for yourself.
Second, RELEASE the negative emotions.
See #6 in this series. Tap, scream, or shake to release the pent-up emotions.
Third, FORGIVE.
I have five suggestions. Pick the one that feels right for you in each situation.
1. Simply remember what you have learned in this series, then let go and move on. Like holding a pen in your hand: When you release your grip, the pen falls away. Simply release it.
2. Repeat the following Ho’oponopono Prayer, even when you are the one hurt. This prayer works because you do not see yourself as separate from anyone (we are all one). There’s a cool story behind this, so if you reply to this email, I’ll send it to you.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
3. Repeat the following Forgiveness Prayer every day until you feel a shift.
I forgive you. I release you. I let you go.
You forgive me. You release me. You let me go.
I forgive me. I release me. I let the old me go.
4. Write a letter to the offender (do NOT send it) outlining the facts, how it made you feel, and how you have grown from the experience. Then burn it and let the smoke carry away the ill feelings.
5. Take advantage of the free worksheets provided by Colin Tipping at www.RadicalForgiveness.org (under Courses then Free Tools). Use these to process what happened and take the charge out of your painful memories. He has written many books on the subject, all of which explain his process in finer detail. I have included his main worksheet below. Visit his website to get other worksheets.
What I want you to remember most about this series is that forgiveness is a gift for yourself. It allows you to free yourself from unpleasant to downright horrible experiences and live a happier, more peaceful life. Only you can give that gift to yourself.
“When someone wrongs you, you don’t forgive them for them,
you forgive them for you.”
Christine Lakin – Actress